Five Things Fraser Wishes Ray Didn't Know About Him
Written for Helleboredoll.
1 Ė Fraser wishes that Ray didnít know about Victoria. He mostly wishes this because he doesnít want to remember it, but he sees his past reflected in Rayís eyes sometimes, as if searching him out and feeling for bruises. Fraser just wishes to forget.
2 Ė Fraser wishes Ray didnít know that Fraser had wanted to kill Muldoon. Deep in his heart, he had known that it was wrong, that he wasnít supposed to even wish it, but whenever he thought about him, and whenever he caught sight of Muldoonís face, the deepest, most instinctive response it evoked in him was avenging his motherís murder with another. Muldoon had taken his childhood from him, Muldoon had almost taken one of his dearest friends. And Ray had seen that desire, seen it in Fraserís eyes, before and after, and had never said a single word about it.
3 Ė Fraser wishes Ray didnít know just how much Fraser truly needs him and craves his company. Fraser has always been exceptionally good at hiding what he wants from the world, including from himself. He has honed this gift, lauded it in his own mind, he has given it a name: self-preservation. But with just one look, right before they set off on their adventure, Ray drove a spike directly at the heart of Fraserís wall, crumbling it to pieces. Because Fraser had never realized until then just how much he had truly wanted to share his country with another.
4 Ė Fraser wishes Ray didnít know about Fraserís first sexual encounter. He doesnít remember how, exactly, Ray coaxed the story out of him, but it must have involved Fraser being on the brink of orgasm, because he can barely remember telling it. It had been a rather embarrassing sort of fumble, and his cheeks heat up still, thinking about it. Whenever he thinks about it now, his cheeks heat up twice as much Ė from the memory of the encounter, and the look in Rayís eyes upon hearing of it.
5 Ė Fraser wishes Ray didnít know that Fraser sometimes watches him sleep in the morning, while waiting for his tea to steep. Ray wouldnít have ever known it, had it not been for Fraserís own clumsiness one morning, as his fingers lost their grip on the hot mug. The crash had woken Ray up, and Fraser knew that his small secret was out. Ray had smiled and scratched his face against the pillow, and lain there, watching Fraser fumble further for the shards of the mug, trying to avoid the hot liquid seeping into the floorboards.